AnkhMorpork's big surprise
by Boomer2
Summary: Granny Weatherwax and Lord Vetinari....be scared.
1. Default Chapter

This is my first attempt at writing a Discworld fic. I hope everyone enjoys it.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not, unfortunately, own any of the characters, places, and some of the ideas; Terry Pratchett does.  
  
Lord Havelock Vetinari, patrician of Ankh-Morpork, was a very busy man. He had guilds to run, paperwork to do, people to intimidate. It is because of this that he was not happy to hear the knock at the door to his office.  
  
He didn't respond to the sound, he had found that it is best to let people wait awhile, to give them the impression that you're doing something important, and that they are unimportant. The only problem was that the person outside the door wouldn't wait, the door started to open.  
  
"It takes a very brave or a very stupid person to do that." He thought.  
  
"Are you Lord Havelock Vetinari?" Said the old lady who just came in.  
  
She was a witch, he recognized the hat, always could tell by the hat. She couldn't be from around here; witches in Ankh-Morpork knew that it was best not to upset the patrician.  
  
"Yes, I am. Who are you, and what is it, exactly, that you want?"  
  
"I am Granny Weatherwax. I have a very serious problem to take up with you."  
  
"And what, pray tell, is this problem of such enormity that you barged through my door." He waited for the sudden realization that had occurred in the past when people realized how daring they had been and suddenly regretted it..it didn't come.  
  
"I came to town, and I was threatened by people who called themselves a witches guild. Ha. They weren't real witches, of course, they didn't have proper hats. I took care of them easily, but I still feel that there is a certain respect for a witch that must occur, and also that there should not be such hostility towards visitors to this..um,...fine city."  
  
"Mrs. Weatherwax." he began.  
  
"Mistress"  
  
"*Mistress* Weatherwax," he said with mild impatience, "Ankh-Morpork has an established system of guilds, as most people soon find out. These guilds have members, and deal with those who are in their trade, such as the Assassin's Guild. It's a very efficient system, most people are too afraid to commit a murder because of what the Assassins would do. I suggest that you go to the Witch's Guild and explain to them that you're new here, and apologize if you upset them, otherwise you may find that you are not exactly happy with your new position in life, which could very well be dead." He smiled a smile that had made many people in the past run out of his office and straight out of the city. Granny Weatherwax remained seated, and acted as if she was actually going to continue the conversation..truth be told, it scared the patrician..a lot.  
  
"Oh, I don't have to worry about that, I took care of the guild."  
  
"Oh really? You already paid your dues and such?" Said the patrician, feeling slightly better.  
  
"No"  
  
The patrician became very pale."  
  
"I believe you will need to form a new guild sir, the old guild's members are not in any position to do anything. They may, eventually get over it, but I doubt that." She smiled.  
  
"What exactly is it that you did to them?"  
  
"I'd rather not discuss it, I've found that many people can't handle details, they make them sick."  
  
"Ah, yes. I understand completely. Have you ever thought of taking up a position as a civil servant?"  
  
"*Servant*!?! NEVER! I've never been so insulted." Granny stood up.  
  
"No, you don't actually serve, you just boss people around and make things right for the citizens who, obviously, can't think for themselves."  
  
"Well then, that's ok I guess.."  
  
"Great, I have just the position for you."  
  
Behind her façade of complete tranquility, Granny Weatherwax was worried. 


	2. The Guild and the scaring of Ridcully

Hello, it's me. I'm back after a very long period of time. I've decided that since I've finally been added to someone's favorites list [waves to person who added me], that I should keep writing. I'm going to.  
  
Please keep in mind that I'm not a very good writer, and I don't do many of the things that a good writer should do, such as revise, review, have a beta, etc. I just write what's in my head (it's scary in there), and then post it. Thinking about it infringes too much on my time.  
  
  
  
Granny Weatherwax sat, staring out of her window. It was a rather large window. It looked upon the slowly gurgling Ankh.um.river. She had a nice, as she described it "spiffy" desk.with a leather(ish) chair!  
  
She turned around when she heard the door to her office open.  
  
"Umm, Mistress Weatherwax?" Said her assistant, Tammy, timidly. Tammy is one of those people who's very good at organizing, but not very good at doing other things.such as being a witch.  
  
"Yes, Tammy?" said Granny.  
  
"Your carriage is here to take you to the meeting."  
  
"Tell them I'll be right down."  
  
"Yes, Mistress Weatherwax."  
  
Granny had found that in the city of Ankh-Morpork you had to be very formal. It was very different from Lancre. Ah yes, Lancre, how she missed that place.but she's not homesick, atleast not yet. She's only been away for a week.  
  
As she walked along the hallway, and then down the stairs, and then another set of stairs, Granny thought about how much had happened since she'd arrived. After her meeting with Lord Vetinari, Granny went and found a nice place to stay. She had only just convinced the land lord that she didn't have to pay, when she was approached by a young, official looking boy who was carrying a piece of paper.  
  
"A letter from the patrician, Mistress Weatherwax." Said the boy.  
  
"Thank you." She said as she started to read the letter.  
  
'Oh dear!' she thought, as she read the letter. It seemed that she was going to be the head of the Witches' Guild. The letter assured her that she wouldn't have any problems. It instructed her to go the address of the old guild house.  
  
She had gone, and when she got there, many so called witches were there, waiting to greet her. She set things straight right from the start. She tested each and every one of those women. She'd found out that most of them actually had some talent, but were so accustomed to the city that they had stopped practicing 'real' witching.  
  
After the tests, she made sure that each and every member of the guild had a hat. She collected a membership fee from each of them, and made sure that everyone of them knew what she had done to the previous head of the guild.  
  
She had checked the books, and found that the guild held quite a hefty sum of money. She asked Tammy how the guild had gotten so rich, and had been told that the guild was paid by Unseen University to not meddle in any affairs. Granny, obviously, had been outraged.  
  
This was rather unfortunate for Mustrum Ridcully, archchancellor of UU, who dropped in a few minutes later.  
  
Expecting the another idiot head witch, he had barged in, yelling and screaming about how 'the contract had been broken!' He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Granny. Every wizard at UU knew of Granny, due to a rather memorable incident a few years back, involving a battle between Granny and the Archchancellor.  
  
"Missus Weatherwax," started Ridcully.  
  
"It's MISTRESS Weatherwax, Mr. Ridcully. I'm just a humble old woman, so I wouldn't do anything violent, or bloody. I just happen to 've a question for you.."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why," began Granny in a voice that made Ridcully seriously reconsider his postion.he was considering that the position would be much better behind the gates at UU. "are you paying (Granny spat the word) to keep witches from 'meddling'?"  
  
"Well, you see, it's just not." He stopped. Granny was staring at him. Staring. She's good at staring.  
  
"Mr. Ridcully, I think that you and I need to have a LONG talk."  
  
"I'll just go shall I?" he said as he burst out the door.  
  
"That took care of him.."  
  
Yes, that had taken care of him. NOW UU paid the guild to not drop in for visits, and to not hurt the wizards.  
  
Granny headed off for the meeting with the Patrician and the heads of the other guilds. It would be very interesting. Very, very interesting. 


End file.
